


why would i wanna be anywhere else

by stvrwar



Series: marauders social media fic [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Grocery Store, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, F/M, Social Media, Texting, listen, sirius black x gasolina, this is bad but i love it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 14:33:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14046360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stvrwar/pseuds/stvrwar
Summary: james potter to chat hey there demons its ya bois: LADS. RED A-FUCKING-LERTsirius black: last time you called red alert it was bc pete ate all ur ceraljames potter: and it was a fuckin TRAVESTYpeter pettigrew: ur name wasn’t on the box!!!!!!!! it’s a crowded break room!!!remus lupin: are you going to tell us what the alert is or notjames potter: I’M IN LOVE





	why would i wanna be anywhere else

**Author's Note:**

> listen, i just love social media aus, so yall should love me pls

**james potter** _to chat_ **hey there demons its ya bois:** LADS. RED A-FUCKING-LERT

 **sirius black:** last time you called red alert it was bc pete ate all ur ceral

 **james potter:** and it was a fuckin TRAVESTY

 **peter pettigrew:** ur name wasn’t on the box!!!!!!!! it’s a crowded break room!!!

 **remus lupin:** are you going to tell us what the alert is or not

 **james potter:** I’M IN LOVE

 **sirius black** _removed_ **james potter** _from the chat_

 **sirius black:** not again.

 **peter pettigrew:** I really didn’t know it was his cereal

 **remus lupin:** christ.

-

 **remus lupin** _added_ **james potter** _to the chat_ **clean up on aisle suck my dick**

 **james potter:** tht was mean

 **james potter:** i had to text marls bc you kicked me out

 **james potter:** and she kept being mean too

 **sirius black:** it was an act of defense tbfh

 **remus lupin:** you do get a bit intense when u find the ONE

 **peter pettigrew:** everytime u find the one

 **james potter:** i’m insulted

 **james potter:** besides. she IS the one.

-

 **sirius black** _to_ **pete owes me a fiver:** freshmeat in floral

 **remus lupin:** as in, a newbie or someone left a steak there again? bc that isn’t my job

 **peter pettigrew:** who do I owe money????

 **sirius black:** newbie, some tiny angry redhead

 **james potter:** ITS HER

 **sirius black:** jesus don’t fuckin cum

 **remus lupin:** classy

 **sirius black:** ;)

 **james potter:** skjdbfaibviablkjvkbdfkja

 **james potter:** she works in FLORAL

 **james potter:** I work next to there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **remus lupin:** don’t cum, jesus

 **sirius black:** so YOU CAN SAY IT

 **remus lupin:** bc I’ve never been caught wanking in the loo on break

 **sirius black:**...touche

 **peter pettigrew:** WHO DO I OWE MONEY.

 **james potter** _changed the chat name to_ **SHE WORKS IN FLORAL**

 **sirius black** _changed the chat name to_ **pete owes us all a fiver now**

 **peter pettigrew:** :(

-

 **sirius black** _to the chat_ **kiss kiss fall in WAH:** fucking tim the manager is on me about flirting with customers

 **remus lupin:** have u considered not flirting with customers?

 **sirius black:** i gotta get my tips somehow!!!  
**peter pettigrew:** ?????????

 **james potter:** ur a cashier???????

 **sirius black:** people tip cashiers

 **sirius black:** like where tf have u lozerz been

 **remus lupin:**...sirius I think you’re a gigolo.

 **sirius black:** fuck

-

 **james potter** _to the chat_ **a bunch of tens and peter:** an update!! her name is lily

 **peter pettigrew:** I don’t like this name

 **remus lupin:** it’s because you’re a stone cold 11 pete

 **james potter:** what’s wrong with the name lily?????

 **peter pettigrew:** valid

 **sirius black:** wait her name is lily and she works in floral

 **peter pettigrew:** no the chat name

 **sirius black:** omg

 **james potter:** she’s perfect

 **sirius black:** a perfect PUN

 **remus lupin:** thought that was your job?

 **sirius black:** awwww babey <3 <3 <3

 **peter pettigrew:** gag

 **james potter:** sirius are you cheating on me? HOW DARE YOU

 **james potter:** MOONY I THOUGHT WE WERE MATES!

 **remus lupin** _left the chat_

-

 **remus lupin** _to the chat_ **the three amigos:** so we all agree that james has lost it entirely?

 **sirius black:** entirely

 **peter pettigrew:** entire-entirely

 **remus lupin:** that isn’t a word

 **peter pettigrew:** entire-entire-entirely

 **remus lupin:** I’ll make you eat your own hand

 **sirius black:** lads. the point.

 **remus lupin:** he’s been staring at her for an hour. he’s literally just groping those lemons

 **sirius black:** bet he wishes those were lily’s lemons

 **peter pettigrew:** hers are more like oranges

 **remus lupin:** peter don’t be a pig

 **peter pettigrew:** sirius started it

 **sirius black:** can’t prove it

-

 **peter pettigrew** _to the chat_ **OPERATION GET LILY FROM FLORAL TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME (JAMES):** can we get a snappier name for the mission?

 **james potter:** no.

 **remus lupin** _changed the chat name to_ **pls stop stalking lily she’s v nice**

 **james potter:** wait.

 **james potter:** do you KNOW Lily-From-Floral

 **sirius black:** oh god

 **remus lupin:** we might be in the same english 230 class

 **james potter:** and YOU DIDN’T TELL ME

 **james potter:** YOU’RE IN CLASS WITH THE LOVE AND LIGHT OF MY LIFE

 **peter pettigrew:** shit. tim the fucking manager is heading toward nonfoods

 **sirius black:** fuck.

 **james potter:** THIS WILL BE RESUMED

 **james potter:** but first.

 **james potter** _removed_ **remus lupin** _from the chat_

-

 **sirius black** _to_ **jimmy jams and the funky bunch:** look at that shit.

 **sirius black** _sent a link_

 **remus lupin:** what is your deal with ice skating???

 **james potter:** no.

 **sirius black:** support my passions u bitch

 **james potter:** peter you gotta get a bitmoji ur ruining my snap aesthetic

 **peter pettigrew:** what is a bitmoji

 **sirius black:** LIKE HE JUST FUCKING YEETED HER ACROSS THE ICE

 **remus lupin:** I thought the past tense of “yeet” was “yote”

 **james potter:** it’s an app that looks like u for snapchat

 **james potter:** also what is yeet

 **sirius black:** james wtf?? from the vine???

 **remus lupin:** yeeted her across the ice

 **remus lupin:** yote her across the ice

 **peter pettigrew:** but like what about government surveillance

 **james potter:** oooohhhh the vine with the chick tossing the bottle??

 **remus lupin:** I’m going to ask my english class

 **sirius black:** james watch the fucking video u dickmunch

 **peter pettigrew** _sent an image_

 **peter pettigrew:** what does bueno mean?  
**remus lupin:** good

 **peter pettigrew:** cool.

 **peter pettigrew** _sent an image_

 **peter pettigrew** _sent an image_

 **sirius black:** i will kill u peter oh my god

 **james potter:** yeet his bitmoji

 **remus lupin:** lily agrees, yote.

 **james potter:** WAIT UR TALKIN TO EVANS??

-

 **james potter** _to_ **sirius black** : some lady today asked me how to pick a ripe cantolope

 **james potter:** cantulope

 **james potter:** cantaloupe

 **sirius black:** r u having a stroke

 **james potter:** well I have no idea how to tell if a cantaloupe is good

 **sirius black:** u work in produce mate

 **james potter:** so i just told her to sniff it

 **james potter:** and then i sniffed it

 **sirius black:** what did it smell like?

 **james potter:** melons and failure as an adult

-

 **peter pettigrew** _to_ **tesco is killin us all:** anybody know why aisle four is entirely blocked off

 **remus lupin:** yeah, some guy pissed there earlier

 **james potter:** jesus christ

 **sirius black:** why is it still fucking blocked off

 **remus lupin:** bc tim the fucking manager tried to kick him out of the store

 **remus lupin:** so he shouted that he had just pissed out some biohazardous waste

 **remus lupin:** which is the technical term for what he did

 **remus lupin:** but tim the fucking manager thought he meant like.

 **remus lupin:** anthrax.

 **peter pettigrew:** so he just blocked off the aisle????? And left us here to die????? With customers???

 **james potter:** sounds about right tbh

 **sirius black:** always knew i would die here

 **remus lupin:** no one has cleaned the piss up yet either

-

 **lily evans** _to_ **remus lupin:** did you do the homework for friday?

 **remus lupin:** shit, yeah it’s somewhere in my files, do you need to see it?

 **lily evans:** yeah, thanks

 **lily evans:** also

 **lily evans:** you know james right? produce james with the glasses?

 **remus lupin:** lol we’re mates, why?

-

 **remus lupin** _added_ **lily evans** _to_ **grace kelly by mika is a fucking bop (shut up sirius)**

 **sirius black:** oh god

 **james potter:** eVANS

 **lily evans:** should I scroll up in this chat because uhhhhhh

 **peter pettigrew:** pls

 **sirius black:** bc we were talking about anime tiddies?

 **james potter** _cleared_ **grace kelly by mika is a fucking bop (shut up sirius)**

 **peter pettigrew** _changed the chat name to_ **remus is an agent of chaos**

 **remus lupin** _changed the chat name to_ **james wants to make love to that one massive anime girl**

 **lily evans:** well I’m delighted

-

 **lily evans** _to_ **can we kill tim the fucking manager??:** am I the only one at work today????

 **james potter:** yeah

 **remus lupin:** yeah

 **sirius black:** yeah

 **peter pettigrew:** yeah

 **lily evans:** well fuck all of you bc I brought cake to the break room

 **james potter:** FOR REAL????

 **lily evans:** no im just lashing out

 **sirius black:** great now he’s crying

 **james potter** _removed_ **sirius black** _from the chat_

 **james potter:** no im not

-

 **lily evans** _to_ **fall out boy is a gays only event you bitches:** so does sci-fi wine night usually end in a shirtless pete?  
**remus lupin:** 9/10 times

 **sirius black:** he didn’t do the single ladies dance this time

 **james potter:** honestly I was crushed

 **peter pettigrew:** hey gotta keep you wanting more

 **peter pettigrew:** ;)

 **lily evans:** and why is gasolina the ONLY song ur amazon alexa would play??

 **james potter:** bc sirius

 **sirius black** _changed the chat name to_ **gasolina is a gays only event you bitches**

**-**

**remus lupin** _to_ **the three normal ones:** so lily and james seem to be getting chummy

 **sirius black:** our little boy is growing up

 **remus lupin:** finally learning how to talk to girls

 **sirius black:** that may be an overexaggeration tbh i saw him trip over himself yesterday while trying to look smooth

 **peter pettigrew:** unsurprising

 **remus lupin:** at least he can look at her without stuttering anymore

 **peter pettigrew:** instead he just says horribly embarassing things

-

 **lily evans** _to_ **james potter:** can you come over?

 **lily evans:** I can’t get a jar open

 **lily evans:** and i’m out of milk

 **lily evans:** and i need to yell

 **lily evans:** my sister came in today

 **james potter:** i’ll be right over

-

 **james potter** _to_ **really wanna zigazig ah:** back me up, i’m totally han solo

 **sirius black:** i will most certainly not back you up bc clearly im han solo

 **remus lupin:** pls you’re leia if there ever was one **@sirius black**

 **lily evans:** I take offense to that. Clearly i’m leia

 **peter pettigrew:**...but what if i want to be leia

 **james potter:** none of you are helping me

 **sirius black:** well, i guess it makes sense I’m leia, I am royslty

 **remus lupin:** u work at a tesco and clean bathrooms

 **sirius black:** *i work at tesco and pretend to clean bathrooms

 **peter pettigrew:** oh cmon mate that’s gross

 **lily evans:** remind me to never use the bathroom here again???

 **james potter:** BACK ME UP IM HAN SOLO

 **lily evans** _changed the chat name to_ **we’re ALL leia**

**-**

**lily evans** _to_ **james potter:** thanks.

james potter: for what, exactly???

lily evans: for coming over

james potter: oh, well, yeah. we’re friends. Thats what friends do

lily evans: you’re a good friend

 **james potter** **_[MESSAGE FAILURE: RESEND]:_ ** maybe I want to be more than friends because you’re amazing and dedicated and absolutely brilliant and my heart starts pounding way too fast when i’m around you and i like being around you more than i should

 **james potter:** thanks, evans

-

 **sirius black** _to_ **james wants to fuck shane madej:** we should be ghost hunters

 **james potter:** did you watch the rest of buzzfeed unsolved without me????????

 **remus lupin:** uh oh

 **sirius black:** perchance

 **peter pettigrew:** you should see the look on his face rn

 **lily evans:** he looks absolutely crushed, black

 **james potter:** YOU WERE MY BROTHER

-

 **lily evans** _to_ **young, dumb, and hot:** HOLY SHITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**james potter:** I CANT BELIEVE WE JUST DID THAT

 **remus lupin:** We are all going to get FIRED.

 **sirius black:** they can’t very well prove it was us

 **peter pettigrew:** u signed ur fucking name?????

 **sirius black:** they can’t very well prove i didn’t sign pete’s name too

 **peter pettigrew:** oh COME ON!!!!

 **james potter:** fucking take that tim the fucking manager!!

 **lily evans:** god I hate him

 **remus lupin:** i think that makes you fully one of us, lily

 **sirius black:** is no one going to bring up those ten minutes we couldn’t find lil and prongs

 **lily evans** _removed_ **sirius black** _from the chat_

 **lily evans:** what ten minutes

-

 **remus lupin** _to_ **SUMMER HOLS IS ALMOST OVER RED ALERT:** did anyone else see McGonagall just absolutely destroy that bird today??

 **sirius black:** did she get the airsoft gun out again?!!!!!!!!!

 **remus lupin:** no. weirder. She just. She hit it so hard with a broom it went unconcious

 **james potter:** god i love that scary woman

 **james potter:** no offense lily

 **peter pettigrew:** how do i put the side eye emoji

**james potter:** not that lily would have any reason to take offense

**james potter:** we aren’t a thing or anything

**sirius black:** ur doing a great job of proving otherwise

**remus lupin:** okay but I also love mcgonagall and would marry her probably

**peter pettigrew:** weird, remus. 

**lily evans** _changed the chat name to_ **cats outta the bag now I guess**

 


End file.
